Today is the last day of my twenties. Tomorrow I will officially be in my thirties.
Let’s see. I got married, graduated college, had a baby, had a meltdown, moved half way across country, had another baby, tried and failed to get a career in art going, and I’ve found myself pregnant again in the home stretch.
I’ve tried writing three fantasy-ish books, one abandoned just past the half way point when I realized it was broken beyond repair, one started multiple times and has a fun world built around it but no real plot and is currently percolating, and one that I’m finding really fun to write for and I hope to finish the first draft this year. I just need to sit down and do it.
I’ve tried multiple art things, made a video game that didn’t lead to anything after, tried making multiple comics and series that fizzled out due to poor planning and bad self management, did some freelance here and there, and spent a lot of time feeling bad that I was spinning my wheels and trying to figure out what I really wanted to do. But I can’t say that I didn’t have some fun or learned nothing from my failures. I think my attitude and outlook on my artistic future is better in the very least. I find myself in an incubation stage right now.
Spent a lot of time being poor. I don’t recommend this. Things are just now starting to get better but who knows how long these things might last.
I also spent a lot of time listening and trying to understand why things were the way they were, and a lot of time angry and frustrated. My faith in God wasn’t so much tested as my faith in Christians around me. We’ve moved churches once because of some glaring hypocrisy issues with the leadership and though the one we’re at is better in some ways it still has its issues. I want to minister in a way outside of taking care of children (which I am not very good at) but as a lady person in a Church of Christ my paths are limited. The more I look into it I find fewer and fewer reasons why I should not be allowed to use my spiritual gifts or do anything other than sit down and shut up. I’ve tried starting a ladies class but the elders don’t see a real need for it. I’m waiting to have my new baby and get her a bit older before I pursue anything further. In the meantime I’m feeling pretty discouraged. I think I would have been a preacher or something if my university had allowed that for women. I can’t help but think of what could have been sometimes.
So, on the cusp of my thirtieth birthday, I look back and see a lot of regret, but hope too. I see a pretty stupid (old) kid starting to calm down and listen more, but one who is getting pretty fed up with rolling over and getting stepped on by authority figures and someone who is really wanting to start saying something. I see someone trying to figure out the whole marriage thing. Got through some rough spots in the middle and came out together on the other side. I see someone trying to figure out the mothering thing and being quite frustrated. Some of that is understandable, some of it is my own doing and I do need to keep working on that.
I guess any advice to anyone who just turned 20 would be to learn to roll with things more, listen listen listen, research, speak less and say more, try and fail a lot and be okay with that, know when a fight is not yours, and control your temper. Above all, be kind to everyone, even those who you disagree with or who are being jerks to you. Just make sure you set boundaries and learn when you need to walk away, (or unfollow, or stop listening). You won’t be any good to anyone if you never find time for yourself and just think and repair.
(Reposted from Tumblr)